Today we went rock climbing. A fairly basic route suitable for 5 year olds. I. Was. Petrified. Ever since having children my nerves have gone through the roof. As a child I was generally petrified. As a 20 and 30 something my confidence stabilised (hello anti-depressants) but from children-ahoy onwards I pale at a little slope, a gravelly incline. And worse is a rock face that you’re watching your precious younglings traverse and then have to follow with some sort of air of nonchalance. Needless to say I was not nonchalant. I crumbled and whispered to our guide ‘j’ai peur’. So fricking embarrassant. J’ai embarrassment. Je voudrais crawl under a rock and die. Before I scrape the seven shades of shit from my underpants. 

#hoveringclosetoacliffface #hoveringclosetoshittingmyself #hoveringclosetoinsanity

So there’s a new ‘3 men and a baby’ film out. It’s called ‘3 baby baking potatoes and some left over candy floss’. We went to the zoo. And everything was fine. Great in fact. Until the candy floss hit. I stupidly gave them a choice: ice cream or candy floss and they chose the latter. I will forever rue that decision. 6yo boy went savage. Wide eyed, clawing, biting, kicking savage. Infinitely more riled than any of the big dozing cats we’d been to visit. I was quite scared. And wasn’t physically equipped to deal with it either because I’m doing the cabbage soup diet this week so I had nothing but watery vegetables pumping through my muscles. We barely made it home. He fell asleep fortunately and we all breathed again. So this is now my view: 3 baby baking potatoes (you’re allowed a baked potato and butter on day 2, but obviously I need 3 as they’re BABY baking potatoes – see previous post) and the remnants of the floss for pudding. Fighting trousers on everybody, I’m going in. 

#hoveringclosetoasavagechild #andasleepinglion #andthreeBABYbakingpotatoes #hoveringclosetoinsanity

I’ve been hovering a bit too close to insanity recently. Most recently because my child blocked the toilet yesterday and I had to deal with a poo-wee-water flood in the bathroom. (And the England loss of course 😭.) Fortunately I have a lovely @elmpureorganics diffuser in my bathroom so poogate didn’t leave any lasting odour issues, especially as I also have one of their room sprays in the same fragrance (Dakota meadow is my fave) which I used to attack the problem when it was at its worst. I highly recommend a peek at their range. I’m not on commission – just love their (poo-covering) fragrances. Toodle-oo

#supportsmallbusiness #elmpureorganics #poocoveringfragrances #hoveringclosetoinsanity

I think it’s fair to say my new razor’s first outing was not a success (although my legs are now VERY smooth). I literally shaved off layers of flesh (and a mole) (and my tan). On the plus side, all the blood matched beautifully with my newly painted toe nails

#VERYsmoothlegs #shavingoffthetan #fleshstuckintherazor #bloodbath #bankholidayweekend #ouch #hoveringclosetoinsanity

That pile of bits of paper that sits there for weeks because you can’t face dealing with it. This one is on the floor next to my bed. It’s been there for 3 weeks so far. Consists of some receipts, some drawings by 6yo boy, a letter from the bank that I can’t decide whether to keep or not, a used tissue
#hoveringclosetoinsanity

I’ve been out for dinner and the deep red marks on my waist are here to prove it. We had a meal too big. We had the sort of meal where halfway through you regret having eaten that bread at the beginning. 

The sort of meal where you eat for 20 minutes after you’re full as you don’t want to waste food. 

The sort of meal where you get uncontrollable yawns at the end. 

The sort of meal where you want to curl up but you can’t because there’s too much tummy in the way. And you’d look weird. 

The sort of meal where you’re not thinking about that food diary you’re supposed to be filling in. 

The sort of meal where you can feel your makeup going crap half way through. 

The sort of meal where you develop forehead and cheek sweat halfway through (which exacerbates the make up problem). The sort of meal where actually your makeup is now only on your neck and your tired lines are now all too visible around your eyes. 

The sort of meal where you can no longer talk to each other because it just feels too much. 

The sort of meal where you look at each other wondering which one of you is going to vomit on the way home. 

The sort of meal where you just need to lie down and pull your trousers halfway down. 

The sort of meal where you swear you’ll never eat again. 

But you do. 

#hoveringclosetoinsanity