Valentines update

#Valentines update: it’s not over yet! 8yo girl has spent the last 24 hours making cards for 9 lucky would-be suitors. I think she’s hedging her bets. We’re due to go out to deliver them this afternoon so wait by your postboxes to see if you’re one of the lucky few! I must say I’m delighted she’s picked today to do it ☔️ ☔️☔️


Bring on the roast

#lowcarbdiet update: day 12. Just survived my first carb free roast dinner. So close to putting a potato in my mouth but husberk helpfully shouted “NOOOOO!” at all the key moments. It was a bit of an overreaction I thought but whatever. There was no way I was not going to have gravy though. That would just be INSANITY. All in all I survived. Not the best meal of my life but certainly not the worst

#hoveringclosetoacarbfreeroastdinner #hoveringclosetoinsanity

Out takes

By popular demand, a recreation of one of the out takes of the banana selfie from Monday. I ditched the original because a) I looked like shit and b) because I was worried it looked wildly pornographic/disturbing and my 8yo girl was looking over my shoulder at the time so I just hit DELETE DELETE DELETE in a complete panic.

I’ll be sure not to show her this one although if you were to look at the photos on my phone you’d see that the damage has already been done #hoveringclosetoabanana #bananaporn #disturbing #hoveringclosetoinsanity

#lowcarbdiet update: day 9

#lowcarbdiet update: day 9. I have made soup. Poo soup to be precise. Well it might as well be poo soup because I’m not fucking eating it. It’s full of all fairly tasty things: chicken, mushrooms, celery, carrots, cabbage and chicken broth but somehow the combination is a lot closer to turd than I really feel comfortable with.

Debating tipping a bottle of #davesinsanitysauce (excruciatingly hot chilli sauce) in to mask the flavour and blow my head off. At least I’d lose a few (head) pounds even if I did have no head to speak of. And with. Anyone fancy some chicken soup? I think other people than me might quite like it. I’m just feeling resistant to non carby legal things and still obsessing about illegal carrot cake. Pull up a stool, I’ll dish you out a bowl.

#hoveringclosetopoosoup #hoveringclosetoinsanity

#lowcarbdiet update: also day 8, a.m.

#lowcarbdiet update: also day 8, a.m. WEEK ONE RESULTS ARE IN: I have LOST 5.5lbs!! So delighted that I drank a tub full of cream to celebrate. (Not really. I had a black red bush tea.) Am attributing the .5lb to the strong black coffee I had just beforehand. Toot toot 🥳

#lowcarbdiet update: day 7, p.m.

#lowcarbdiet update: day 7, p.m. I’VE HAD A LOVE AFFAIR WITH A BANANA. NO, not THAT way! Eugh, gross. No, I ate a banana and suddenly I was in love with the world again. Because I hit a #lowcarbdiet wall today. I couldn’t eat my brunch omelette as I just couldn’t face eating any more f.u.c.k.i.n.g eggs. So I only had about 3/5ths of it. But then I was reeeeeally hungry. And weak. I found myself wandering around central London passing Prets every 10 metres – who I KNOW do a good line in carrot cake – obsessing about carrot cake.

So I reached out to a friend and he told me to eat a banana. And I was, like, alright then. So one trip to @hollandandbarrett to buy some essential seeds to make one banana smoothie later and all of a sudden I felt IN LOVE WITH THE WHOLE WORLD AGAIN!! Made #schoolpickup a much brighter affair I can tell you. THANK YOU BANANA! THANK YOU FRIEND! Next up: #courgetti