Ok so what the actual fuck do they put in chocolate these days and why have my children turned into psychotic maniacs that hate the world?

They are finally both asleep. Just. They were both in full on tantrum mode. 5yogirl naked, kicking, punching, spitting and screaming “my want my chocolate eeeeeeeggggggg!” 5yoboy point blank refusing to clean his teeth saying menacingly “It’s all. Your. FAULT!” to me and husblurb alternately. After 10 minutes of cajoling/threatening/psychotherapising he reveals he wants the special hour-glass timer to time him while he cleans his teeth. With renewed confidence we try again but I immediately do something unforgivable (like speak/breathe/not speak/not breathe) to which he grabs his toothbrush and puts it -bristles spinning downwards -on the floor of the shower, shutting the shower doors after it with a look back at me that says “you’re next”. Back to 5yogirl: she now has the timer and is refusing to relinquish it, so even if we could persuade 5yoboy to move the toothbrush from cleaning the shower plug hole to his teeth, we …… I give up and go to the bedroom where I text a friend to say I am feeling “seething hatred/despair” ….

Then something happens. 5yogirl seems to have suddenly come down from her pill (Easter egg) has gone off the idea of more pills (Easter eggs) and decides she actually will put her pyjamas on when I ask her to for the 283rd time. Then it’s plain sailing:

I read her a story

I read her another story

I put her into the top bunk (double-taking that 5yoboy is miraculously sound asleep in the bottom after husbore read him a single rhyming couplet of Slinky Malinky in his best, most boring, low, slow monotone)

I have an argument with her about the level of the lighting in the room and whether I need to go and find granny’s small pink torch that she stole earlier

I read her another story

I cuddle her

I tell her to stop talking

I cuddle her again

I tell her to stop talking again

I tell her that she WILL be able to get to sleep if she tries for more than 1.4 nanoseconds

I cuddle her again and after 1.5 nanoseconds I leave the room with her snoring her head off

#passtheeggs #dontdodrugskids #easter #eisforecstacy #hoveringcloserthanevertoinsanity